Tragedy behind a smile.

On November 26, 1995 I woke up like any other day. Excited to see my friends at the bus stop and go to school. My dad stops me from going in the living room and kneels down in front of me. Holding back tears he told me my mom passed away. I was shocked because just the night before we were talking. They say just before your last breath, there's a boost of energy or adrenaline and everything seems fine. That is true. I got my book bag together and went to school as if nothing happened. I completely understood what happened but thought if I didn't see it, it never happened. The struggle was so real day after day trying to let not the pain show. If you saw me smiling I was probably crying inside. The pain was so much there were plenty of times that I couldn't take it anymore. My friends and family got me through it, even though you didn't know there was anything wrong. More than I could ever tell you. Why did I start this journey of fitness and wanting to help others. This is why. For so long I felt like I had nothing. Fitness and sports were the outlet. A way to forget about my life at home and have fun and be like everyone else. Lots of solitary time can drive you crazy, it wasn't the best method for me to deal with anything. We all go through struggles and I hope someone can use this. Knowing the end is never the end, but the beginning for something beautiful. I thought my life's purpose was to suffer because in some way or form I could get through it. I always felt death was on my back. Even now I'm scared that things are too good to be true and somehow, in a bad way, I'm going to have to pay for it. The fear isn't as paralyzing as it once was but it's more of a healthy fear now. One day I met a special person and thought to myself, if I could be with her this life is worth it. Her name is Paula. When I met Paula I truly felt like everything was worth it. She's never pressured me into talking about anything and the reason I'm writing this now is because of her. I trust her fully and I can be 100% broken and she doesn't judge me for it. I never feel less "manly" around her talking about my parents, family, or any of those tough times growing up. We all have pain and we have to deal with it in our own way. She saved my life. Her love teaches me that everyday is special and I feel it more than anything. Before Paula, I was usually smiling to cover the hurt that I was feeling and the constant anxiety wondering if I was going to die today. I also didn't want anyone to know what I was going through and it's much easier to smile, people don't question you when you smile. They assume everything is great and that's what I wanted. I had no desire to share what I was feeling with anyone. I would get home after school and usually be alone and think how pathetic I am that still, after all this time, I'm dealing with these issues. One time I was put in a group in school with kids who had lost a parent, I didn't know this is why I was there. I was embarrassed that other people knew. I thought my life's purpose was to accept and tolerate pain. Because it kept happening and I could handle it with a smile. I would embrace the pain and hope that if I could take it, someone out there wouldn't have to. It became my normal. Year after year, most of my immediate family leaving me. It's like anything that happens a lot, eventually you get used to it. Every time I would hear "have your parents sign this note" or anything like that it would tear me apart. I would just smile and move on. I could feel the eyes on me, the few people that knew wondering what I was going to do. I would never show a sign of being vulnerable or weakness. So I would just smile. After going through so much I realized that my place is to spread happiness and let you know that you are special, and loved. That without you here people would miss you so you should stay around for as long as you can. Do everything you can to make sure your life is long and full of good health. Bad health is ultimately what took my parents away. Finally, over 20 years later, I've accepted things as they are. Our life doesn't mold us, it brings out who we really are.